The Other Kind of Mommy Guilt

The whole 11 months and 2 days that I have been a mother, I have felt like I am not supposed to express a lot of things that are on my mind. It's not what most mothers share, so I assume I am not supposed to talk about it.

Mothers, especially first-time mothers, are supposed to be exhausted. They are supposed to get no sleep, rely heavily on caffeine, want to get away from their babies, etc. At least this is what is expressed to us. Most of the things I see online about motherhood are humorous, but still paint it in a rather negative light, such as...

Harley is, and has always been, an "easy" baby. My pregnancy may have been hell but from the second she entered this world, she has been "good." I cannot count how many times people have told me:

"She's such an easy baby!"

"She's so good!"

"Is she always this happy?"

"You're so lucky!"

I actually hate when people say those things to me. What if she wasn't easy? What if she wasn't good? What if she wasn't always this happy? Would I love her any less? Would I be any less lucky to have her as my daughter?

Yes, I know I am lucky. Yes, I am aware that she's easy and good and happy. She has been an amazing sleeper from the beginning, she always has a huge smile on her face, and she is generally mellow and pleasant.

Obviously, she is not perfect. No baby is. She cries. She screams. She is learning to test my boundaries. She gets into things. She throws food. Sometimes she decides she doesn't want to sleep.

The overwhelming majority of the time, however, she is good. She makes motherhood seem like the easiest thing ever. I genuinely love spending every second with her. Jason makes fun of me because when she is asleep, I will look at pictures and watch videos of her. Yes, that's right, I miss her when she sleeps. I hate leaving her, even for a half an hour. She does just fine when I leave her, and I know it's good for both of us, but I miss her terribly. 

When moms say, "I just need to get away!" or "I need a break" I can't really relate. Maybe twice in her life have I been frustrated enough to feel like I maybe could use a little break.

I felt pretty excluded before I had Harley. Most of my friends were moms, and it was this special little club--you couldn't possibly relate to anything in their lives until you had a baby of your own. Well, I had a baby and I honestly still feel excluded. Not in a bad way, but simply in an "I can't relate" way. 

I have always carefully selected what to say on social media, and never wanted to seem like I was bragging about my daughter. When moms complain or vent, there is always a herd of fellow moms there to offer support, guidance, and to commiserate with. I usually cannot be one of those moms. If I were to post what I want to, I have a feeling that my comments would be met with silence, judgment, or offense taken by other mothers.

Motherhood, for many, is about survival. People make comments like that and I honestly feel weird when they say that. I don't know what they are talking about. I'm not "surviving" anything, I am loving and enjoying and cherishing motherhood.

I need to clarify that this post is not to brag. It is not to make other moms feel bad. I am very aware that Harley is not like most babies. I know that most babies are difficult, and that most mothers are a lot more stressed out and overwhelmed. It is completely understandable for them to be that way, and this is not bashing any mother. Please do not take offense to anything I have written.

I simply want to say what has been inside my mind for 11 months and 2 days. I know that I am very blessed to have my daughter. Even if she weren't so "good" and "easy," I would obviously still love her. I do not think that I have to feel guilty for having a "good" baby. 

I should not feel guilty for loving every second of motherhood. I should not feel guilty for not being able to relate to a lot of other moms. I should not have to feel like less of a mother, or like I can't possibly understand motherhood.

My baby is "good" and "easy" and I know that she is probably not always going to be this way, but if she is? Great! I want to be able to enjoy every second of any stage in her life, whether it is easy or not.

It's okay to have difficult babies and children. It's okay to be exhausted, stressed out, overwhelmed, and feel like you want to die. It's okay to think motherhood is the hardest job you've ever had. It's okay to secretly think evil things about your baby as they lay there screaming in the middle of the night.

But...it's also okay to not feel that way.

However motherhood is for you, it's okay. Enjoy it regardless. Love your children, love yourself, love this wonderful opportunity you have been given, and love this amazing time in your life.