Awhile back...

Friday January 18 was a normal day at work until all of a sudden I started feeling extremely nauseous, dizzy, and lightheaded. Luckily, I had just put the twins down for their nap so I laid down on the couch and rested. An hour or so later I felt perfectly fine. Weird, right? I didn't think much of it. I remember talking to Kim on the phone and her suggesting that maybe I'm pregnant. I assured her that I wasn't.

When I went home, I told Jason what had happened. He then suggested I take a pregnancy test. I laughed, and told him that I wasn't pregnant. Other than that one random hour of nausea, I hadn't had any pregnancy symptoms. He convinced me to take one anyway. We went out and bought a pack of 3 tests. He then said I should wait until morning, so the test would be more accurate.

Saturday morning, as soon as we were awake Jason urged me to go take the test. Even though I was convinced I was not pregnant, I was nervous of the possibility that I was. We weren't exactly trying to have a baby right now, although we weren't really trying not to either. I went into the bathroom. The instructions said to wait three minutes for the results. I put the test down on the floor and literally within seconds, two pink lines appeared, indicating that I was pregnant. I didn't know how to react. Of course I've always wanted to be a mother, and Jason and I had been talking lately about wanting a baby, but I will admit that seeing those two pink lines did cause me to panic a bit.

I took a picture of the results on my phone, threw the test in the garbage, and walked into our bedroom. Without saying a word, I held the phone up to Jason and showed him the picture of the results. He started smiling and was very happy. I was still somewhat in shock. We talked about how we felt, and like he always does, he made me feel calm and very good about it.

The next morning (Sunday), we decided to take another test, just to be sure. That one was positive also. I needed to be extra sure that I was really pregnant, so we found a clinic to go to on Monday. I had the day off for Martin Luther King Day. They did a blood test and that was my third confirmation that I was pregnant. They estimated my due date to be September 15.

It took awhile for it to sink in that I was really pregnant. There was life growing inside of me. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. My dream was finally coming true. I was excited for me and Jason to become parents.

After a lot of discussing, Jason and I decided our best option was to move back to Washington. We didn't have any friends in Las Vegas, we were still living at Sheena and Roger's, and Jason was unable to find a job there. His boss in WA would take him back, and my mom agreed to help us move and let us stay with her until we found our own place.

We drove up to Utah to spend the night at my grandma's, and we would finish the drive to Washington the next day. That morning I went to the bathroom before leaving my grandma's and noticed some bleeding. It wasn't that bad, so I didn't think much of it. A few minutes into our drive I told Jason that something was wrong. I was starting to get cramps, and I told him about the bleeding. We called Karissa (sister-in-law who is an RN) and she said if it got any worse I would need to go to the emergency room.

That's about the last thing I wanted to hear, and especially not when I'm making a 15 hour drive. We decided to stop in Salt Lake City to see our good friend Brad, and had him give me a blessing. We continued on with our drive fairly uneventfully.

We arrived in Washington late at night and just went straight to bed. The next day I was still bleeding so we headed for St. Pete's.

I figured that since I was pregnant and something was obviously not right, we wouldn't have to wait long to be seen. After 4 awful hours in the waiting room, and one more hour in a room, we were finally seen by a doctor. They sent us to have an ultrasound done where we saw our baby for the first time. The ultrasound tech wasn't saying much, and sent us back to my room.

Our doctor came in and told us the heartbreaking news: our baby had no heartbeat, and had stopped developing at 9 weeks (at this point I was 12 weeks). I don't remember much after that, because this was clearly very shocking and sad news. I can't even describe the pain I felt hearing that our baby had died. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It's been over 2 months since I miscarried, and it's been extremely hard. I never realized how painful (both physically and emotionally) a miscarriage is. I had no clue I would be so attached and so in love with our little tiny baby this early on.

I will never know why this happened. The saddest part is that it happens to SO many poor women. I had no clue they were this common. That doesn't make them any less tragic. All I know is I wasn't meant to have this baby, for whatever reason. Jason and I are trying to stay strong and keep our heads up, and we know we will have a baby some day when the time is right.

I wanted to write down all these details so I don't forget our very first baby, and my very first experience with the miracle of pregnancy. For awhile, I didn't want to tell anyone about this and it was obviously extremely difficult for me to talk about. It's still hard, but the best way for me to express my feelings and emotions is through writing and this way I will always have those memories.