My Biggest Regret

This is going to be full of things that I am ashamed of, embarrassed by, and things I haven't told anyone. I really want to get it off my chest though.

Most of you don't know this, but I started school this week. I am attending University of Phoenix online. I looked into online schools for so long, and even though doing my education online is not the ideal way, it is the only way that I can do this without sacrificing my full time job. Luckily for me, I am a nanny for an 8 month old baby so I have the opportunity to do schoolwork while he naps.

I have been putting off going back to school for WAY too long. I hated talking about it, and to be honest I was embarrassed that I never had the motivation to finish school before. I was embarrassed that kids I used to babysit were getting their college degrees before me. I was embarrassed that my friends all had degrees, some of them even had Masters. Boy, did that make me feel pretty lame! I made excuse after excuse, but in reality I just wasn't ready to dedicate myself to school until now.

I went to BYU-Idaho for two semesters right out of high school (literally right out...I started 2 weeks after graduating, and I was still 17). I did pretty well my summer semester, but fall semester I started suffering from really bad insomnia. I wouldn't fall asleep until about 4 or 5 in the morning, and as a result I couldn't get up for my 8 am classes. I tried taking Melatonin, which helped me fall asleep a little earlier, but not much. Missing a bunch of classes lead to me falling really far behind in school, to the point where I just sort of gave up. I also became really homesick and it was making me depressed. I have told VERY few people this information. After that semester, I went home and stayed there for about 6 months before moving to California to live with my grandma.

She said that if I was going to be living with her, I had to go to school so we signed me up and I gave it another shot. Like at BYU-I, I did well for a semester and then started losing motivation. I couldn't pick a major. I tried out a couple different ones (English, Liberal Arts, Journalism) but I couldn't find one I was passionate about. I decided if I wasn't passionate I didn't want to waste my time. I was working part-time, and would rather spend my spare time hanging out with friends, not doing homework for classes that I didn't care about.

I was both surprised and frustrated with my college experience thus far. I had always been a pretty good student. In high school, I definitely could have done a lot better (I skipped a lot of school, especially senior year, and was pretty lazy with homework and studying) but I still managed to graduate with honors. I expected that I would do well in college too, and I expected to love it. It wasn't that I was not capable of doing well, it wasn't that college was too hard for me--I just could not find the motivation to do it. I was so envious of my friends who knew exactly what they wanted to be and what they wanted to study. The things that I were good at unfortunately were not things I wanted to study. 

Ever since I stopped going to school, it has popped into my mind very frequently that I should return. I need a degree, I need to go back. I don't know how I managed to push that thought to the back of my mind for so many years. I used every excuse: I don't have any money for school, I don't have time because I work full-time, I don't know what I want to study, I'm getting too old--I don't want to be the oldest one in my classes, I move a lot so I would have to wait for residency to kick in (1 year--dumbest rule ever) before I can start, etc.

Finally, after years of silencing that voice in my head, I decided I absolutely could not put it off any longer. Even though it is embarrassing to me that I am 27 years old and do not have a college degree of any kind, I need to do this. Some day I will have children and I want to set a good example for them. I need to do this to feel proud of myself.

My college credits are kind of all over the place, so I am starting over completely new, as a freshman. I will be getting my associates of healthcare administration/medical records through University of Phoenix, and then my plan is to get my Diagnostic Radiology BS, hopefully at Boise State. It is LONG overdue, and I know this is the worst way I could have done things but I can't change the mistakes of my past. I am very excited to be in school again and cannot wait to learn new things!

2013 Highlights

January

My dad and stepmom Tonia came to Las Vegas to visit. We went to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum and had a fancy schmancy brunch at one of the hotels.

Jason's family came to town for a deck convention (his dad owns a deck building company) and brought us our kitty Zuko. We fell in love instantly.

We found out we were pregnant with our first baby. It was unplanned and unexpected, but of course we were very happy about it. We didn't know we were pregnant when Dad was here, but we had found out before Jason's family came into town so we were able to tell some of them in person.

February

We had a mellow Valentine's Day dinner at Five Guys, and watched my Niners lose the Superbowl.

March

After 9 months of living in Las Vegas, we finally found the temple! Haha. We left church early one Sunday and were determined to find it (it is not easy) and I'm glad we did. It was incredibly windy but we had a nice time walking around the grounds.

Kim, Grammie and Aunt Joy were in town so we all had lunch together at the Hard Rock Cafe.

My mom and Robert drove down to help us move back to Washington. 

A week after moving home, I suffered a miscarriage.

April

With our tax return, we bought a new laptop and sent me to California for a week. It sucked being away from Jason and Zuko, but I had so much fun catching up with my family and friends down there. I went to a Sharks game, to the beach, and saw as many people as I could!

We moved into our first place on our own! My aunt Marlyn let us rent her house, and we have loved living by ourselves.

May

On a whim, I had decided to sign up for a 5K a few months back. I meant to get around to training for it...but that didn't really happen because I hurt my knee. I did the 5K anyway, which I am super proud of because I am NOT a runner. I didn't even do half bad! It was for church, so it wasn't timed but I know that I was definitely within the top 1/3 of ladies who finished :) My knee did great and I finished, that was all I cared about! I made Isabella do it with me, but she just walked the whole time.

June

Jason and I celebrated one year of marriage with a motorcycle ride out to the beach, then dinner at Fujiyama.

I got a part-time job working front desk/cafe at Piper's Playground and met a lot of wonderful people. I learned how to make coffee drinks, which totally intimidated me at first but once I got the hang of it, it was really fun!

Jason, TJ, Jasmine and I participated in a walk for Cystic Fibrosis to support TJ's niece. 

July

We celebrated the 4th of July at the beach with some friends.

A bunch of us went river rafting down in Oregon, which was a blast!

Our family reunion began on my birthday down in Astoria/Warrenton, Oregon. For most of the trip, the weather was cold and wet :( The day we went to the beach, however, we were blessed with sunshine and I got a tan :)

We celebrated my birthday by going out to breakfast with TJ and Jasmine, driving down to Oregon, and going out to dinner with all of Jason's family.

August

Jason took me to my first Seattle Sounders game. We got to go with some friends and we had a blast!

While playing disc golf (which we did a lot of once we moved back to WA--I even got my own frisbee!), I got stung by a bee for the first time since I was a kid. Not so fun. 

Jason and Brandon entered a hole-in-one disc golf competition up north. I watched and took photos. Brandon almost had it, but Jason was nowhere close :) He did throw farther than most of the people there though.

I quit my job at Piper's, and started a full-time nanny job for a baby boy named Gavin. I love working for the Weston family and Gavin is such a wonderful baby! I love being a nanny.

September

Jason turned 25. We had a BBQ party at our house. It rained, so Jason BBQ'd in the garage haha. His family and some of our friends came over, and we played games and ate lots of food!

This was a sad month for us, because our baby was due September 15. I will never forget that date. That was the day we were supposed to become parents.

My friends Mike and Stephanie got married in Spokane. Amber came up, and the three of us drove over to Spokane and spent the night. It was a very very very hot day, but their wedding was beautiful and I got to see a lot of my friends from California.

We added a new member to our family--meet Gus Gus. He is a Rottweiler/lab mix and is cute, hyper, playful, very attached to us, and loves to play with/torture Zuko. They love each other, and we love him.

October

Michelle, Mike, and Landon came for a visit for Michelle's birthday.

Jason and I dressed up as a Pink Lady and a T-Bird for Halloween. We passed out candy at our ward trunk or treat, then went out to dinner with Emily and Curtis.

November

We went up to my cousin's house in Bellevue for Thanksgiving. It was a very relaxing day. Kim had surprised Mom by coming home for a week, and it was great to have her here! 

Jason and I went to a Grease sing along in downtown Tacoma. It was a lot of fun! I'd definitely recommend everyone who likes musicals to attend a sing along one. I want to do Sound of Music next! :)

December

We got our first snow of the season. It wasn't much, and it didn't last more than a few hours but it was still exciting!

Jason and I attended our ward Christmas party, which was Polar Express themed. Unfortunately we couldn't stay long but it was still fun. The next week I went with Mom, Robert and Isabella to theirs.

That's about it. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!!

XOXO
The Katwijks

River Rafting

On Sunday we woke up at 3:30am and headed down to Maupin, Oregon to go rafting on the Deschutes River. We had eleven people: Jason, me, TJ, Jasmine, Jason's brothers Brandon and Lance, my sister in law Karissa, her sister Kaylene and brother Michael, Karissa's cousin Stephanie and her fiance Derek. We loaded up both cars and made the 4 hour drive down.

I haven't been rafting since I was about 13 or 14, and I fell out at the very first rapid. Not too long before that Jason had told us if we fall in, be sure to keep our feet up. Once I hit the water I totally forgot about putting my feet up. All I cared about was getting back in the raft and not losing my bathing suit bottoms and shorts. I should have listened to Jason though, because I wound up smashing my left leg into a rock. I got back into the raft and Jason pointed out that I was bleeding. Now I have giant scratch marks all over and some pretty sweet looking bruises. At least that was the only time I fell out. Everyone got pushed out at least once or twice of course :)

We stopped for lunch and played in the White River, which is way warmer than the Deschutes. We found a little area where you could lay down and slide down a small waterfall. Originally we had planned to run the river twice, but things ended up taking a lot longer than anticipated so we were able to just enjoy everything and take our time. 

On the way home we stopped outside Portland and ate dinner at Old Chicago Pizza which was delicious. We didn't end up getting home until 11 something and by that time we were completely exhausted. The trip was a blast though! Here are some pictures:

I'm in the water

TJ trying to save me

The biggest rapid. This was right before Jason flew

forward and landed on my head :)

There goes Brandon! I love how you can

see his hand sticking up.

Jasmine and I holding on for dear life!

Back in the raft (sorry these are out of order)

4th of July

We started the 4th of July off with breakfast and card games at the Northcrafts. They are our other half, our married BFF's, and now they only live like 7 minutes away from us (instead of 20)! Jasmine made us margaritas (virgin of course), then we headed to the beach.

On our way we decided to stop in Elma to play disc golf. It wasn't quite warm yet at the beach so this was a good way to kill some time. They have a really nice 18 hole course right off the freeway, and I am finally starting to enjoy disc golf now that Jason has showed me how to throw better :) We had a picnic lunch there, and then made it to the beach.

We hung out with the singles branch. It definitely feels weird hanging out with all the singles when you're married. We ate lots of food, played in the sand and water, and later enjoyed all the fireworks. It was a perfect low key holiday!

They have a special relationship haha

Trying to stay warm!

It was very windy!

Balou wasn't enjoying the fireworks

One Year Down, Forever To Go!

On June 30th, Jason and I celebrated one whole year of marriage! We took the motorcycle out to the beach and spent some time there. On the way there, we stopped in Aberdeen to grab some sunscreen at Walmart, and decided to have a quick lunch. We ended up going to Burger King, and then I remembered that's exactly what we had one year ago right after our wedding :) The beach was very windy but warm and sunny. We put our towels down up on a little hill so it was less windy, and soaked up some sun. On our way back to town we realized it may not have been the smartest idea to ride the bike. Our butts were pretty sore and also very hot!

Our good friend, and one of Jason's groomsmen, Shaun generously treated us to a dinner at one of our favorite restaurants Fujiyama. As always the food was amazing, and of course I ate way too much. After dinner we went back to Shaun's place and played Sorry with him and Annette. 

We love this guy! He's the best!

I can't believe it's already been a whole year. We moved three times, got our first pet together (our baby Zuko), got pregnant for the first time, and had lots of fun! I'm so glad we are living on our own now and I wouldn't have it any other way! We love our house and our little family. I can honestly say I love Jason way more today than I did on our wedding day, and I know our love for each other will keep growing. 

Happy anniversary baby, I love you!

Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

Lately I've been feeling like someone put my life on pause. The three things that I want right now are three things I can't seem to get just yet. I want to be in school. I want to have a full-time job. I want to be a mother. I am actively trying my best to accomplish all three of those, and it seems I am just playing the waiting game on all three. The waiting is making me frustrated, and unhappy. I am a happy person by nature, so I really dislike being unhappy.

Patience is not something I would say I have a lot of. In the middle of a frustrated breakdown that I didn't have the three things I want (and think will make me happy) right now, I remembered a quote from One Tree Hill (go ahead and laugh at me). Here it is:

"So I've been thinking about this whole 'being happy' thing...and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We're always thinking that someday we'll be happy. You know, we'll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that'll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it's a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It's not permanent. It comes and goes, and that's okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they'd find happiness a lot more often."

That really struck me. Here I am thinking that I can't be completely happy or fulfilled without being in school, or working full-time, or without kids. How wrong was I?! I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful marriage with an amazing man who also happens to be my best friend. I have a great support system of family and friends. Jason and I finally live on our own. We have two adorable cats. We have two cars and a motorcycle. We have clothes on our back, a roof over our heads, and food in the refrigerator. We have good health. Jason has a steady job. I have been blessed with part-time babysitting jobs. So what if I know over 15 people who are pregnant right now and I'm not one of them? So what if everyone else has a full-time job and I can't find one? So what if people way younger than me have college degrees and I don't?

I'm done being unhappy. That doesn't mean that I won't feel frustrated or stressed from time to time. It's even okay to feel sad. I just need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I do have in my life, instead of focusing on what I don't have. Life is what you make it, and it's time for me to start making mine even better. I may not find happiness all day every day, but I can find it every day if I just look for it.

Choose to be happy today. I did :)