Happiness is a mood, not a destination.

Lately I've been feeling like someone put my life on pause. The three things that I want right now are three things I can't seem to get just yet. I want to be in school. I want to have a full-time job. I want to be a mother. I am actively trying my best to accomplish all three of those, and it seems I am just playing the waiting game on all three. The waiting is making me frustrated, and unhappy. I am a happy person by nature, so I really dislike being unhappy.

Patience is not something I would say I have a lot of. In the middle of a frustrated breakdown that I didn't have the three things I want (and think will make me happy) right now, I remembered a quote from One Tree Hill (go ahead and laugh at me). Here it is:

"So I've been thinking about this whole 'being happy' thing...and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We're always thinking that someday we'll be happy. You know, we'll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that'll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it's a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It's not permanent. It comes and goes, and that's okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they'd find happiness a lot more often."

That really struck me. Here I am thinking that I can't be completely happy or fulfilled without being in school, or working full-time, or without kids. How wrong was I?! I have a wonderful life. I have a wonderful marriage with an amazing man who also happens to be my best friend. I have a great support system of family and friends. Jason and I finally live on our own. We have two adorable cats. We have two cars and a motorcycle. We have clothes on our back, a roof over our heads, and food in the refrigerator. We have good health. Jason has a steady job. I have been blessed with part-time babysitting jobs. So what if I know over 15 people who are pregnant right now and I'm not one of them? So what if everyone else has a full-time job and I can't find one? So what if people way younger than me have college degrees and I don't?

I'm done being unhappy. That doesn't mean that I won't feel frustrated or stressed from time to time. It's even okay to feel sad. I just need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I do have in my life, instead of focusing on what I don't have. Life is what you make it, and it's time for me to start making mine even better. I may not find happiness all day every day, but I can find it every day if I just look for it.

Choose to be happy today. I did :)

Awhile back...

Friday January 18 was a normal day at work until all of a sudden I started feeling extremely nauseous, dizzy, and lightheaded. Luckily, I had just put the twins down for their nap so I laid down on the couch and rested. An hour or so later I felt perfectly fine. Weird, right? I didn't think much of it. I remember talking to Kim on the phone and her suggesting that maybe I'm pregnant. I assured her that I wasn't.

When I went home, I told Jason what had happened. He then suggested I take a pregnancy test. I laughed, and told him that I wasn't pregnant. Other than that one random hour of nausea, I hadn't had any pregnancy symptoms. He convinced me to take one anyway. We went out and bought a pack of 3 tests. He then said I should wait until morning, so the test would be more accurate.

Saturday morning, as soon as we were awake Jason urged me to go take the test. Even though I was convinced I was not pregnant, I was nervous of the possibility that I was. We weren't exactly trying to have a baby right now, although we weren't really trying not to either. I went into the bathroom. The instructions said to wait three minutes for the results. I put the test down on the floor and literally within seconds, two pink lines appeared, indicating that I was pregnant. I didn't know how to react. Of course I've always wanted to be a mother, and Jason and I had been talking lately about wanting a baby, but I will admit that seeing those two pink lines did cause me to panic a bit.

I took a picture of the results on my phone, threw the test in the garbage, and walked into our bedroom. Without saying a word, I held the phone up to Jason and showed him the picture of the results. He started smiling and was very happy. I was still somewhat in shock. We talked about how we felt, and like he always does, he made me feel calm and very good about it.

The next morning (Sunday), we decided to take another test, just to be sure. That one was positive also. I needed to be extra sure that I was really pregnant, so we found a clinic to go to on Monday. I had the day off for Martin Luther King Day. They did a blood test and that was my third confirmation that I was pregnant. They estimated my due date to be September 15.

It took awhile for it to sink in that I was really pregnant. There was life growing inside of me. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. My dream was finally coming true. I was excited for me and Jason to become parents.

After a lot of discussing, Jason and I decided our best option was to move back to Washington. We didn't have any friends in Las Vegas, we were still living at Sheena and Roger's, and Jason was unable to find a job there. His boss in WA would take him back, and my mom agreed to help us move and let us stay with her until we found our own place.

We drove up to Utah to spend the night at my grandma's, and we would finish the drive to Washington the next day. That morning I went to the bathroom before leaving my grandma's and noticed some bleeding. It wasn't that bad, so I didn't think much of it. A few minutes into our drive I told Jason that something was wrong. I was starting to get cramps, and I told him about the bleeding. We called Karissa (sister-in-law who is an RN) and she said if it got any worse I would need to go to the emergency room.

That's about the last thing I wanted to hear, and especially not when I'm making a 15 hour drive. We decided to stop in Salt Lake City to see our good friend Brad, and had him give me a blessing. We continued on with our drive fairly uneventfully.

We arrived in Washington late at night and just went straight to bed. The next day I was still bleeding so we headed for St. Pete's.

I figured that since I was pregnant and something was obviously not right, we wouldn't have to wait long to be seen. After 4 awful hours in the waiting room, and one more hour in a room, we were finally seen by a doctor. They sent us to have an ultrasound done where we saw our baby for the first time. The ultrasound tech wasn't saying much, and sent us back to my room.

Our doctor came in and told us the heartbreaking news: our baby had no heartbeat, and had stopped developing at 9 weeks (at this point I was 12 weeks). I don't remember much after that, because this was clearly very shocking and sad news. I can't even describe the pain I felt hearing that our baby had died. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

It's been over 2 months since I miscarried, and it's been extremely hard. I never realized how painful (both physically and emotionally) a miscarriage is. I had no clue I would be so attached and so in love with our little tiny baby this early on.

I will never know why this happened. The saddest part is that it happens to SO many poor women. I had no clue they were this common. That doesn't make them any less tragic. All I know is I wasn't meant to have this baby, for whatever reason. Jason and I are trying to stay strong and keep our heads up, and we know we will have a baby some day when the time is right.

I wanted to write down all these details so I don't forget our very first baby, and my very first experience with the miracle of pregnancy. For awhile, I didn't want to tell anyone about this and it was obviously extremely difficult for me to talk about. It's still hard, but the best way for me to express my feelings and emotions is through writing and this way I will always have those memories.

Back in Washington

We've been back in Washington for a month now. Jason was able to go back to his old job working at Jason's Affordable Auto (yes, he and his boss have the same name) and I have been on the job hunt. I decided to no longer look for nanny jobs, and instead I'm trying to find an office job. I will be starting school in  September to get my CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and then go further into the medical field from there, so it would be great if I could find a job in a medical office.

On Tuesday I will be going to visit friends and family in California. It's been awhile since my last trip, and Jason suggested I take our tax return and book a flight. He'd love to come too, but decided it would be better for us if he stayed and continued to work. We are talking about taking a road trip down there this summer so he can meet the rest of my CA friends and family.

It's unfortunate that I wasn't able to get to California sooner, because a friend of mine passed away from bone cancer about two weeks ago. I did actually get to see him the last time I was in California, but of course I didn't know that would be the last chance I'd ever get to see him. I think I will miss his laugh the most, and I will always admire him for how strong and positive he remained even while going through such difficult trials. RIP Nick Stroppa, you are definitely missed.

This picture was taken on St. Patrick's Day

(2008 I believe)

I am typing this from my other tax return purchase--a new laptop! I was going to get a Chromebook but then I found out that I wouldn't be able to have iTunes on it so I decided to go with something else. We ended up getting a Gateway (which also has a bigger screen) and I love it so far. Jason loves me having it too, so I don't have to use his computer :)

Zuko loves living here, but he doesn't do well if no one is home to play with him. We try to bring him over to Lance and Karissa's to play with their bengals every now and then. If we get a house (we are hopefully in the process of...more details to come!) we'd like to get another kitty for him to play with.

He thinks he has such a tough life.

Michelle, Mike, and Landon came for a week long visit. We didn't get to spend too much time with them but it was still fun seeing them! Mom, Michelle and I took Landon to the mall and had lots of fun laughing at his dance moves inside every store playing music. So cute! He's finally getting "big" but still such a tiny boy! He looks like he is way too small to be able to walk. I think his favorite thing to do while at our house was chase Zuko around and say "kitty!"

Holding his sock and showing off those bottom teeth!

Stud muffin

For Easter, my family went to Ellensburg, so Jason and I went to church alone and then to his parents house for dinner. It was a surprisingly warm and beautiful day so we got to enjoy some time outside while waiting for his family to get home from church. The day before Easter we had gone over there to do our egg/basket hunt.

Here are some other random pictures from the last month:

Google hangout with Candace & Aiden

The crazy Katwijk boys :)

A rainy day trip to Tolmie State Park

Yesterday Eliza and I took a trip to Portland

Catching Up with The Katwijks!

Just a quick review of the last few months...

December: I got 2 weeks of paid vacation so we went to Utah for Christmas and New Year's Eve. On Christmas Day we all went and saw Les Miserables (SO GOOD) and a few days later we saw The Hobbit (also good). For New Year's Eve my aunts had decided to throw a Halloween party so  Jason and I dressed up as Mary Poppins and Bert and won Best Costume! We had the opportunity to see four of our friends from home so that was really fun getting to ring in the new year with them. Some other highlights from the trip: sledding, getting a tour of the Utah Jazz arena (including a trip to the roof) courtesy of the amazing Brad Williams, a freezing cold trip to Temple Square, and lots of games of Scum!

Christmas Eve in our new pajamas!

Merry Christmas! We're crazy.

Micayla and I on our way to Les Mis.

Reunited with Brad, Bryce, Pearl, and Buhler.

Jason makes an adorable chimney sweeper!

We don't really care about basketball or the Jazz,

but it was still cool seeing the arena!

Beautiful!

January: My dad and stepmom Tonia came to Vegas for a weekend. They took us to the wax museum and to a fancy brunch at the Wynn. Jason and I donated plasma for the first time. Jason's parents came to town for a deck building convention, and they brought our baby Zuko with them. We were so excited to finally have him, and we absolutely could not be more in love with him! He's a perfect kitty.

Me and Bradley Cooper, no big deal ;)

Biggest needle ever!

Our sweet baby

February: We watched my team (SF 49ers) lose the Superbowl, and celebrated a low-key Valentine's Day. The rest of the month was spent preparing for our move back to Washington.

We still had tons of leftover Christmas candy so we agreed not to buy each other Valentine's Day candy. Jason bought my favorite popcorn instead. I love the tiger (I named him Ronaldo), and Jason's sweet card made me cry. I bought him a shirt and a card.

March: After nearly 8 months of living in Las Vegas, we finally located and went to the temple. It was an extremely windy day but we were glad we got to go before we moved.

Now we're back living in Washington, staying at my mom's for now but hoping to get our own place soon. Jason is working at his old job fixing cars, and I'm looking. We miss the Vegas weather already, but are glad to be back with our friends and family!

Thanksgiving in Utah

I worked on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and immediately afterwards we made the five (ish) hour drive up to my grandma's in Lindon, UT. We got there around 9pm and still had to bake two pumpkin cheesecakes for the next day.

After you make a cheesecake you have to let it sit out at room temperature for about an hour before you can put it in the fridge. By the time we were done baking them (which takes about an hour), I was way too exhausted to wait another hour to put them in the fridge. Luckily my wonderful husband volunteered to stay awake and do it, and let me pass out. Thanks babe!

We had a wonderful holiday with my family. I'm glad Jason and I get along with each other's families;  it makes everything way easy! Oh, and we also got to see our friend Soup (Eric Campbell), he came over to my grandma's for games and leftover pie. Here's some pictures from the weekend:

Turkey bowl on Thanksgiving morning.

I only lasted about 10 minutes, it was way too cold!

Landon and his best friend Peck

Scum!

Me and Mish

Modeling Auntie Ise's scarf, what a little stud muffin!

Brady is the best part of the picture

Guitar Hero

Bowling

Discovery Park

Here are some of the things I am grateful for: my husband, my family (immediate, distant, in-laws, all of them!), friends that still keep in touch with me even though we live far apart, technology (making communication way easier), our Tempurpedic bed, a roof over our heads/Sheena and Roger's generosity, freedom, the gospel, the First Presidency, a car, and not just having a job but having one that I love.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Mustache Movember

Jason decided to take part in the wonderful Mustache Movember, which requires him to grow ONLY a mustache, no other facial hair. Yuck. Here's how his face looked at the beginning of the month:

and November 30th:

The jacket doesn't help. He looks like Ron Burgundy:

The sad part was, I really didn't think it was THAT bad because it was gradually growing in, and I got to see it every day so it wasn't that shocking. Once he shaved it off and I looked at pictures, I told him that it was atrocious and he should never do it again haha. While shaving it off we had to have some fun and do a Hitler mustache:

One of the perks of my job is that I've gotten some free tickets to cool events! Teri scored me tickets to an MMA (mixed martial arts) fight at Texas Station. I have never really watched MMA, and I knew Jason would be excited. It was actually a lot of fun and we had great seats!

We got to meet/take pictures with some of the fighters!

Urijah Faber

James Krause

Chidi "Chiddy Chiddy Bang Bang" Njokuani

I also got free tickets to a UNLV football game. Josh is a high school teacher and also the athletic director, so he gets random free stuff and sometimes passes it along to me! He's given me two sweatshirts and a bunch of Gatorade products.

Go Rebels! (They actually played pretty horribly,

and lost the game, but it's still fun to go!)

Sneak picture :)