During my pregnancy with Harley, I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. No one really explained to me what it was, and I didn't bother looking it up. I just thought it was really bad sickness during my pregnancy.
So basically I had "morning sickness" my whole 9 months of pregnancy with Harley. It got better in the second and third trimesters, but it never stopped. I think the longest period of time I went without throwing up was two weeks. Most of the time I would only throw up once or twice a day, but many days it was way more than that. I ended up in the hospital twice for IVs after being severely dehydrated from not being able to keep anything down for over 24 hours. The only medication I was ever offered was Zofran. I tried it all through my first trimester and it never worked.
Looking back, I am frustrated and annoyed that my midwives never really tried to help me. They kept asking if I was still sick, and when I would say yes, they would just say "Hmm. Well some people are just sick their whole pregnancies." That's it. Now I know there are at least 4 other medications they could have tried to prescribe me. I am frustrated that I did not educate myself. I could have fought for better treatments, more options.
I had wanted to get pregnant with Harley for over a year (not to mention wanting to be a mom my whole life), and it was devastating to be so miserable and to hate being pregnant. I tried SO HARD to love being pregnant, but I just couldn't. I loved the fact that she was in there, and that I was getting a baby, and I loved feeling her move but that was about it. I could not WAIT for her to arrive.
After Harley, it was hard to imagine wanting to ever be pregnant again. We talked about just having her be our only child (before having kids, we originally wanted to have 4). Eventually I realized that I didn't want Harley to be an only child. I didn't want to deprive her of a sibling, and I was starting to feel like maybe we should have another. More than anything, I wanted the chance to ENJOY a pregnancy even though that is not something I could guarantee. I told Jason that if my next pregnancy was easier then maybe we could consider having 3 kids total.
We decided to get my birth control taken out the end of March, because it was making my body do crazy things. We agreed that if we got pregnant, we'd be okay with it. We were also okay if it took a little while. Well, it didn't take long at all--I got pregnant almost immediately.
I started feeling really nauseous one evening and thought it was just because I had been traveling that day and had eaten a lot of crappy fast food. The next day I was still feeling sick, and I started to wonder when I got the birth control taken out. I counted about 4-5 weeks ago. I brought it up to Jason that I had not had a period since getting it out, and he just said my body was probably adjusting and it may take awhile. I tried to believe that, but the nausea was pretty hard to deny. On Mother's Day I took a pregnancy test first thing in the morning and it was positive.
I honestly didn't know how to feel. I was happy, sure, but I was a little surprised. How did it happen so fast?! It took forever with Harley and we weren't even 100% ready for a second--we were kind of counting on it taking at least a couple of months to happen. Probably a day or two after I found out that I was pregnant, that horrible nausea turned into puking. SO. MUCH. PUKING.
Probably a week or two later, I had thrown up so much that I could tell I was losing weight. Every single day was a battle to keep ANYTHING down. I'd take a sip of water and it would come back up. I started to hate food. All food. I hated water. I hated everything. I remember Kim came over once with a pizza, and as soon as I smelled it I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Another time Jason was just shaking his leg while on the couch with me. That shaking motion made me run to throw up. My body hurt and ached so bad from being so hungry and dehydrated. Showering was the hardest thing I did each day, and took everything I had to manage it. Several times I was just throwing up stomach acid because there was literally nothing else in my body to throw up, and that is incredibly painful. I kept having to run to the bathroom to throw up, and try to lock Harley out. She'd cry at the door but I didn't want her to see me like that. A few times I couldn't shut the door fast enough so she witnessed me in all my puking glory.
Another super fun (and embarrassing) thing that was happening--apparently now I cannot throw up without peeing. Even if I have just gone to the bathroom, and even if I am super dehydrated. My violent puking forces me to pee. I have to sit on the toilet while I puke into a bowl. If I'm not fortunate enough to make it to the toilet, well then I have to change my underwear. Hooray. Because the puking is not enough to deal with.
It became nearly impossible for me to take care of Harley. I was literally doing the bare minimum--I would change her diapers, feed her, put her down for naps, and give her hugs and kisses when I could. She was basically on her own. The mommy guilt set in quickly. I felt SO BAD that I couldn't take her out of the house, to the park, or anywhere, I could tell she was getting cabin fever and hated being stuck at home all the time. I felt guilty for getting pregnant because it was taking me away from the baby that was already here. I couldn't play with Harley, I couldn't enjoy her, and I felt like I was torturing us both. A couple of times I asked my mom and mother-in-law to take her for awhile because they could give her the love and attention she deserves.
If I had a "real" job, I would have had to quit. I had to withdraw from my classes and take a leave of absence from school, which I really didn't want to do because I am so close to finishing. HG takes over your life. I couldn't make any plans to do anything because I knew I would just be too sick to do anything.
I felt guilty about this baby as well. I felt like I hadn't even had a chance to really be happy about the baby because I was so incredibly miserable. How could I be excited about something when it felt like it was slowly killing me? With Harley, even in my sickness, I always felt a strong connection to her. I was so excited she was in there and I felt so much love for her from the second I knew she existed. That didn't happen with this baby, which made me really sad. Even after seeing it on an ultrasound, I still didn't feel connected.
I think around 7 weeks pregnant I had my first trip to the ER. With Harley, I made it until my second trimester before having an ER trip. I went to St. Pete's after 2 days of not being able to keep anything down. I waited in the waiting room for over 6 hours before finally getting seen. I was given IV fluids and medicine. The doctor suggested I try vitamin B6 and Unisom. It seemed to work for a day or two (even though it made me super tired and I couldn't stop passing out), then stopped.
A week later I ended up in the ER again. This time I went to Capital Medical Center, since that is where my OB is and that is where I'll be delivering. My waiting room time was only about an hour and a half, which is way better than every time I've been to St. Pete's. They were a lot more thorough--besides the IV and medicine, they tested my blood and urine, and gave me an ultrasound. They were concerned about the baby's growth and development since I had been so sick. Luckily the baby was fine and I went home feeling much better. They asked me about Zofran, and I mentioned that it hadn't worked in my previous pregnancy. We agreed that I should try again since every pregnancy is different.
Miraculously, the Zofran worked! I've been taking it for weeks now and it helps SO much. I still feel really nauseous most of the time, but the vomiting has stopped--hallelujah! I can now live a somewhat normal life. I still hate food--it is a constant battle. My medicine causes TERRIBLE headaches, but I'll gladly choose that over nonstop vomiting.
A friend showed me a HG support group on Facebook so I joined right away (Thanks Hayden!). I love this group. I have learned so much, and it is so nice to have people who can relate. I actually feel incredibly lucky because there are SO many poor women who have it WAY worse than me! There are many women who have to administer IV's to themselves at home, weekly or daily. There are women who have to have feeding tubes hooked up to them at all times. There are women who are on multiple medications and still throw up all the time. From what I have seen on my HG group, there are no "natural" remedies that have ever worked on HG. Most women with HG would definitely not choose to be on medications their whole pregnancy (like me! I don't like taking medicine ever), but have to because nothing else works. There are women who consider, and actually go through with, terminating their pregnancies because they simply can't take it anymore. There are women who become so depressed that they become suicidal. There are women (like me) who decide that they can't take another HG pregnancy so they are done having children, despite wanting more. There are women who endure this horrible condition, only to lose their baby to malnutrition because their bodies aren't able to remain healthy enough to give the baby what it needs.
I really want to bring awareness to HG. There are too many doctors and health care professionals who are not familiar enough with it. Many women are told that it's all in their heads, or that there's nothing that can be done. More people need to become familiar with this, so we can help those who are suffering. I am glad to have more knowledgeable medical staff working with me this time around, and glad that I am getting treatment that is helping. It is not talked about enough--more people need to be aware.
I know people try to help, but a lot of times people say the wrong thing and it is frustrating. I'm not saying this to be mean, I am saying it to educate and inform people. Equating your morning sickness to this condition is rather insulting. Offering crackers or ginger is insulting as well. Don't you think we would have tried the most common and easily available solutions before pumping our body full of medications? Thanks, but please don't try to help with something you have no understanding of. Please just think before you speak. It may not be the best example, but I saw a woman in the group say that comparing your morning sickness to HG is like saying to someone who has stomach cancer, "Oh I totally know what you are going through, I had a stomach ache once."
This condition is terrible, simply put. If it makes women consider taking their own lives and terminating their wanted pregnancies, don't you think there should be more help available? I hope this has given you all just a small insight of what HG is like.
